apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
