During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
