Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
