fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
