He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
