I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
