I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
