I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
