the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
