If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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