woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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