I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
