Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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