Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
