Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
