So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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