Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
