My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
They took my balls.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize