I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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