hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
