its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
