I faked an abortion last night.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
