I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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