the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
