I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
