Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
