You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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