Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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