Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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