He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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