I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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