You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
