'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
