I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
