the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The uberlube is also flammable
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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