she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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