I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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