my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
