First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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