goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize