So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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