Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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