Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
being pregnant is like rehab
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
