based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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