The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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