Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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