My Higher Power is John Stamos
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
