You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i think my cat just said my name.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
