Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize