I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
