no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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