I just saw a hot homeless man
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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