I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
