Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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