either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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