Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
