my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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