so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
did you just send me my own nude
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
