I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
