Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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